How to change your oil...

Instructions on how to change the oil in your car

FOR WOMEN
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
the last oil change
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

MONEY SPENT
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
TOTAL $21.00

FOR MEN
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.
2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20,
drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in the process.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
trashcan to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
oilchange tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil
in hole inbackyard instead of taking it to be recycled.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel
oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover
oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain
plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
oily rag used to clean
drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug
and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during steps 23-43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over & arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

MONEY SPENT
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
TOTAL -- $4165.00
BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT!!!